Welcome to NYC!
by She Who Gives Migraines
Summary: The long-awaited sequel to 'The (mis)Adventures of Frodo and the Boys!' LAST CHAPTER: Why it's never a good idea to play with giant spiders...AND WHY TOOTHPICKS ARE EVIL!
1. WE'RE BAAAAAAAAACK!

WELCOME TO NYC!  
  
Previously 'Welcome to Baltimore" by L and J. Renamed for purposes far greater than you can ever imagine…which will be revealed in a later chapter…  
  
A/N: Well, since fanfiction.net was being a bitch and screwing with my chapter order, I had to delete the story…AGAIN…and post the chapters in the correct order. My SINCEREST apologizes to the two people whose reviews were lost…but please, don't let that stop you in the future!  
  
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Chapter One: WE'RE BAAAAAAAAACK!  
  
A/N From J: Well…apparently, having actors in little segments of the story is BAD. FF.net kicked me off for a week because of some stupid rule I supposedly broke (I am completely serious: They sent me a F***ing FORM LETTER telling me I had broken AT LEAST one of the rules 'listed below'! HOW am I supposed to know what rule I violated with THAT?! Gods…I NEED LOGIC!), and then my computer was being a pain in the ass and not letting me access said site, so I took an itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-quark-sized- completely-unnoticeable hiatus from posting the story.  
  
Random Reviewer: *I* noticed.  
  
J: *zaps RR* Anyway, now I have been forced against my will to 'clean' the story up and remove all the interruptions. This is not my fault. I did not make the rules. I simply must follow them. I will not throw a hissy fit…I will not throw a hissy fit…I will NOT throw a hissy fit…I WILL NOT throw a hissy fit…*twitches*  
  
AA/N: Oh, and L says, quote: 'Yes, I AM A REAL BEING!! Might I add the crazier of the writers, except I keep my craziness locked away safely in my head and only release it when I have had too much GoGurt.'  
  
J: But that's just L for you. Sooo…now that the poor, poor defenseless Interruptions have been done away with…*Both L and J weep*…we can continue…  
  
Disclaimer: We own nothing. Especially not LOTR. L does not own GoGurt. She was in a phase for approximately a week where she could not live without it, but now calls it something along the lines of 'That sludge in a tube'. So I wonder what she's going to do with those cases of it that she bought during her little phase…  
  
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And so, as our story opens, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli must decide whether to save Merry and Pippin or to go after Sam and Frodo….  
  
***  
  
"So, whadda ya guys wanna do?" Legolas said, finishing off his fourth Lorien flower and licking his fingers.  
  
"Well, we can either go after Sam and Frodo," Aragorn said, his mouth full of flower, "or we can go save Merry and Pippin."  
  
"I know that! I was listening to the narration! But you've forgotten Option #3."  
  
"Option 3?"  
  
"We go back to our homes and say they all died. The end." The Lorien flowers were starting to take effect…  
  
"Hee hee…gold…GOOOOLD…" Gimli said, staring up blankly at the sky.  
  
"Nah…"  
  
"Well," Legolas said, staggering up and giggling, "I sure as hell don't want to go to Mordor…"  
  
"Moordoor…Mooooooooordoooooooooooooor…moooooooooooooo…." All three of them giggled and staggered around the clearing.  
  
"I'm noooooooo idioooooooooot…I ain't goin' t' Moordooor…" Aragorn said, which caused everyone to laugh insanely. Legolas giggled like a girl and reached for another flower, only to find…  
  
"Uh, guys?" he said, discovering his pack was empty. Aragorn and Gimli were playing a spirited game of Patty-Cake. "Guys? Who has the rest of the flowers?"  
  
"What?" Aragorn looked up. "We're out of flowers?"  
  
"Hee hee…gold…g-what?"  
  
Legolas tipped the pack upside-down, shaking it desperately. Aragorn ran over to the packs and started digging around every conceivable space.  
  
"This isn't funny, man…I need my fix…" After ripping the packs up into tiny little shreds, their worst fears were confirmed: they were out of flowers.  
  
"NOOOO!"  
  
"This can't be!"  
  
"Hey, now I remember!" Aragorn said. "Merry!"  
  
Legolas was digging around in his pocket, looking for pills. "Yes, I was merry when I had my flowers, but now I'm not, so I need my Prozac, and where is it, I can't find it…"  
  
"No, no, Merry the Hobbit! Wake up, stupid!"  
  
"What about Merry?"  
  
"Merry had a ton of flowers in his pack, since he always has to deal with Pippin, and…no, that's it," Aragorn said.  
  
"So, let's go save our flowers!-I mean, Merry and Pippin!" Legolas said.  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Gold!"  
  
"Where'd they go?"  
  
"Ummm…" They looked around blankly.  
  
"GOLD!!"  
  
"No, you stupid Dwarf, there's no-"  
  
"GOLD!!! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!" Gimli screamed, running away and crouching over something. Legolas and Aragorn walked over and looked on curiously.  
  
"What is-"  
  
"MY GOLD!!!!!! GET AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Gim-"  
  
"ALL MINE!!! AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"  
  
"Dammit, Gimli, gimme that!" Aragorn picked Gimli up off the ground and Legolas grabbed the thing Gimli was fondling.  
  
"MY GOLD!!!!"  
  
"This isn't gold, you stunted little freak! It's silver!"  
  
"Oh…never mind, then."  
  
"Hey…check it out," Aragorn said, dumping Gimli on his head. "It's the buckle from the belt the Crazy Lady gave Merry."  
  
"So it IS GOLD! GIVE IT BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!"  
  
"Here…fetch!" Legolas said, chucking the buckle deep into the woods. Gimli ran after it on his stubby little Dwarf legs.  
  
"Look…" Aragorn had found something a little ways away. "It's…a FLOWER!"  
  
Legolas scrambled over and they got into a terrific scratching/shoving/biting/kicking/punching match which was only resolved when Gimli ran up and ate the flower.  
  
"Mmmm…hmhmhmhmhmmmm…"  
  
"Do you think that Merry and Pippin left a trail for us to follow?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Fine…do you think MERRY left a trail for us to follow?"  
  
"Perhaps…let's keep walking and see what else we can-LOOK!! ANOTHER FLOWER!!!"  
  
After another terrific fight (which was won by Aragorn), they started running, and found various things. Like a bathtub. And a watermelon. And Sam's tea towel. And a chair. Aragorn, the master tracks man, was making a note of these.  
  
"Hmm…from the angle of this…it's hard to tell…" Aragorn was trying to determine the direction which Merry and Pippin had gone from a large fender that was sticking out of the dirt.  
  
"Aragorn?"  
  
"Not now, Legolas! Let's see, north north-west…"  
  
"Aragorn…"  
  
"Not NOW! Carry the three…"  
  
Legolas walked over and calmly smacked Aragorn across the head with his bow. "OW! What?!"  
  
Legolas pointed to a nice, chopped-out, straight line path the Uruk-Hai had left that went directly through the woods. "I think they went that way."  
  
"By God, I've got it!" Aragorn said, smacking his fist into his palm. "They went this way!" He started running down the path. Legolas sighed and followed.  
  
And so…they ran.  
  
And ran…  
  
And ran…  
  
Still running…  
  
Running…  
  
Running like the wind…  
  
They must be fueled by Duracell or something…  
  
Do they EVER get tired?…  
  
Running endlessly…must be something about those Lorien flowers…  
  
"OKAY! It's nighttime! We'll rest!" Aragorn spread out his sleeping bag and got ready to sleep.  
  
"Okee-then!" Legolas also spread out his sleeping bag and got ready to sleep.  
  
"*Ee-huh…Ee-huh…*" Gimli crawled through the foliage.  
  
"Oh…hi, Gimli! Where ya been?"  
  
"I'VE BEEN RUNNING AFTER YOU GUYS!!!"  
  
"Oh…I hoped-I mean, thought you were still in the woods looking for that stupid golden buckle."  
  
"MY GOLD!!" Gimli screamed before collapsing into a dead faint.  
  
"Right…"  
  
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Sample of Next Chapter: Wasting Time…  
  
"I can see in the dark…" a voice said, and they both screamed and grabbed each other (no, not like THAT…).  
  
"I'm never gonna be able to sleep now…" Pippin whined.  
  
"Oh, put a sock in it, would you?" Merry said, and fell asleep. 


	2. Wasting Time...

Chapter Two: Wasting Time…  
  
Disclaimer: I am a rental from DISCLAIMERS R US. Let's see…ah, here we go: L, J, and R do not own…clean socks.  
  
J: YOU'RE FIRED!  
  
Disclaimer: What? What'd I do?!  
  
L: IT'S LOTR, YOU IDIOT! WE DON'T OWN LOTR!!  
  
*: Cowardly Dog  
  
A/N: Jeyhawk is STILL the RLF. It's too late for the rest of you to kiss up now. *eating cookies from a kiss-up basket* Unless you help us get 100+ reviews for each of the remaining two stories. Then maybe, just maybe…we'll do 'The Hobbit' and 'The Silmarillion'. We're seriously considering it…  
  
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Back to Merry and Pippin…  
  
"Does anyone know where I am?" Pippin shouted. It was night, and they were with the Uruk…guys…  
  
"Pippin…" Merry said, trying to get Pippin to lie down.  
  
"I'M BLIND! I'M-" Pippin shouted, running around madly.  
  
"PIPPIN! IT'S DARK! NO ONE CAN SEE IN THE DARK!" Merry shouted, and Pippin followed his voice and sat next to him.  
  
"I can see in the dark…" a voice said, and they both screamed and grabbed each other (no, not like THAT…).  
  
"I'm never gonna be able to sleep now…" Pippin whined.  
  
"Oh, put a sock in it, would you?" Merry said, and fell asleep.  
  
***  
  
Back to the Three…  
  
Aragorn poked Legolas in the face with a pointy stick, trying to wake him up.  
  
"Hey! Sleeping Beauty! Wake-"  
  
"Zzzz…oh…you think I'm beautiful?…I'm so happy to hear that, Haldir…" Legolas murmured in his sleep.  
  
Aragorn and Gimli: Oo;  
  
"WAKE UP!!!!!" Gimli screamed, jolting Legolas awake.  
  
"OW! What are we doing?"  
  
"We're going to meet the Rohirrim," Aragorn said.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because we need horses. Shut up. Get up."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because you won't stop talking and you're still sitting on the-"  
  
"No, I mean why are we getting horses?"  
  
Aragorn is getting REALLY irritated. "Because we're sick of walking!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"BECAUSE THE WRITERS ARE RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS! Now, get up, and if you ask any more questions I'll cut your hair off!"  
  
Legolas grabbed his hair and looked up at Aragorn with terror in his eyes. "Not my hair! Why would you do such-"  
  
Aragorn grabbed Legolas by his pointy ear and dragged him up, then grabbed his hair in one hand and used his sword to chop it off just below the ears.  
  
Legolas blinked. "You did NOT just cut my hair off."  
  
Aragorn held up his fist, which was filled with the long golden strands of Legolas' hair. "Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyaaaaah-nah," he taunted, sticking his tongue out.  
  
Legolas' face turned bright red. Then it twisted into a deep, evil scowl, and, in a fraction of a second, he grabbed out his daggers, chopped off Aragorn's beard, and re-sheathed his daggers.  
  
"Why you dirty little nadorhuan!*" Aragorn shouted. Legolas let out a war whoop, and the two lunged at each other. They punched each other in the face simultaneously, then both fell backward to the ground, unconscious. Gimli looked from one, then to the other, then to the one, then turned and waddled off into the woods to find his gold.  
  
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*Both hiding in a fallout shelter from nuclear explosions*  
  
J: I'd say they've gotten to the part where we cut off Legolas' hair, huh?  
  
L: Yep. Whose brilliant idea was that again?  
  
J: Umm…well, since we both kinda wanna live…let's not tell them.  
  
L: Good plan.  
  
Sample of Next Chapter: THE FANGIRLS ATTACK!  
  
"OOOOH! Lookit the cute little squirrel!" Pippin was kicking and flailing in the Uruk-Hai's grasp, trying to get down and pet the squirrel.  
  
"God dammit, isn't there anything you can do to shut this stupid hobbit up?!" the Uruk-Hai holding Pippin demanded of Merry.  
  
"Nope. Not a thing." 


	3. THE FANGIRLS ATTACK!

Chapter Three: THE FANGIRLS ATTACK!  
  
Disclaimer: We disclaim LOTR. It's not ours. It never will be. Now leave us to our grief. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Back to Merry and Pippin:  
  
"Are we THERE yet?" Merry asked of the Uruk-Hai who was carrying him.  
  
"NO FOR THE FORTY-SIXTH TIME!" The Uruk-Hai was trying REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD not to bash Merry's curly little hobbit head against a large rock. And was so far doing a pretty good job.  
  
"OOOOH! Lookit the cute little squirrel!" Pippin was kicking and flailing in the Uruk-Hai's grasp, trying to get down and pet the squirrel.  
  
"God dammit, isn't there anything you can do to shut this stupid hobbit up?!" the Uruk-Hai holding Pippin demanded of Merry.  
  
"Nope. Not a thing."  
  
***  
  
Ping-Pong…bonk! Back to the terrific trio!  
  
Gimli came back and whacked Aragorn and Legolas with his ax (the flat side), waking them up.  
  
"Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel…" Aragorn sputtered.  
  
"Hee hee…lookit all the pretty stars…" Legolas giggled.  
  
Aragorn jumped up and shook his head, went to scratch his beard, remembered it wasn't there anymore, so scratched his nose instead. Legolas jumped up and started walking towards the woods. "Where are you going?" Aragorn asked. "To the Little Elves Tree…" Legolas responded with a sniff, disappearing among the foliage.  
  
"Okeee…whatever…" Aragorn said. Gimli grunted.  
  
And so…they waited…  
  
…And waited…  
  
…And waited…  
  
…Until finally…  
  
"OH GOD! NOOOO!" Legolas' screams came echoing out of the woods. Thinking Legolas was being attacked by something totally and completely evil from Sauron, they grabbed their weapons and ran to help him.  
  
However…they were only half right. While it WAS totally and completely evil, it wasn't from Sauron. No, the evil that had descended upon Legolas moved independently and served no master save itself and its own desires. That's right: Legolas was being attacked by the most feared and despised creature of all time: the dreaded FANGIRL!  
  
It all started ten minutes earlier, when…  
  
"Aaaaah…" Legolas sighed contently.  
  
"Ah, where am I? Jeez, this forest has no end…" a female voice came through the foliage. Legolas looked up in horror as a girl came crashing through the foliage. LUCKILY FOR HIM…he managed to…umm…hide…himself…before the fangirl saw…um…you know…his…*awkward cough*…him-ness. But she saw…um…the rest of him...anyway. *cough* MOVING ON…  
  
"OH. MY. GOD!!!!!!!!!!" the fangirl screamed, causing Legolas' Extra-Super- Special-Elven Ears to bleed. Oh my god oh my god! It's LEGOLAS! Oh my god oh my god oh my god…AAAAAAH!" the fangirl screamed in ecstasy, and Legolas just screamed and scrambled up a tree.  
  
"No, no, wait! Come back!" the fangirl yelled desperately. "I just want an autograph!"  
  
"No! Get away!" Legolas yelled, throwing sticks and acorns at the fangirl. She wasn't daunted by them and avoided them, then started jumping around at the base of the tree with her arms outstretched.  
  
"AAAAAAAAA!!!!!" Legolas grabbed a branch and held on as though his life depended on it. The fangirl pouted and resorted to climbing the tree.  
  
"OH GOD! NOOOOO!" Legolas scrambled higher into the tree, but nothing could stop the demented evil of the fangirl. "Why won't anyone leave me alone?! What did I ever do to deserve this?!" he bawled.  
  
Aragorn and Gimli meandered through the trees. "LEGOLAAAAAAAAS…"  
  
"THANK GOD! ARAGORN! GIMLI! SAVE ME!"  
  
"Jill, where'd you go?" two female voices called from the nearby bushes. "Guys, Legolas and Aragorn!" the first fangirl called. The other two quickly broke through the underbrush and looked around quickly. Then all three of them started hopping in circles and screaming, "Oh my God, OH MY GOD!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAH!!" the guys screamed. "It is their deadliest attack!" Gimli shouted. "Run, run!" Aragorn shouted, and they all took off through the trees.  
  
"NOOOOO! WAIT, COME BACK!" the girls screamed, and ran after them. They caught up with them, and the first fangirl tackled Legolas round the waist and the other two took down Aragorn, while Gimli kept running.  
  
"GIMLI! HELP US!" they screamed, but Gimli kept running and shouted over his shoulder, "Sayonara, suckers!"  
  
Legolas and Aragorn struggled to break free as more and more fangirls crawled out of the forest. "It's been nice knowin' ya, Aragorn," Legolas said, and the two cowered in fear. Suddenly, the fangirls stopped.  
  
"What's wrong with Legolas' hair?" they all muttered, while others whispered, "Aragorn looks like he had a bad run-in with a razor blade…"  
  
Legolas and Aragorn shot quick glances at each other, then looked back up in terror at the fangirls, who were rapidly loosing interest.  
  
"Hmmm…come on, girls…I think I saw Frodo leaving in a boat a little while back…" the fangirls dispersed, leaving Aragorn and Legolas very relieved but slightly insulted as they slowly stood up, but the first crazy fangirl Jill gave Legolas a nice big glomp that left him even more emotionally traumatized (it was a very big glomp) before they all disappeared into the forest again.  
  
Gimli appeared again with a 'poof!' and a cloud of pink smoke. "I'm back!" he announced, though nobody cared. "Yeah, thanks for nothing, you little backstabber…" Aragorn muttered.  
  
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Sample of Next Chapter: Leather?…  
  
"-And I will name you Bob, and we will have wonderful picnics in the park and play games in the open fields and-" Pippin was talking to a 'special' rock the Uruk-Hai had given him in an utterly futile attempt to shut him up. As I said, it was utterly futile. 


	4. Leather?

Chapter Four: Leather?  
  
Disclaimer: We own nothing.  
  
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Merry and Pippin AGAIN…  
  
"Are we-"  
  
"QUIET! NO TALKING!" The Uruk-Hai was looking for a nice cliff to toss Merry off of.  
  
"-And I will name you Bob, and we will have wonderful picnics in the park and play games in the open fields and-" Pippin was talking to a 'special' rock the Uruk-Hai had given him in an utterly futile attempt to shut him up. As I said, it was utterly futile.  
  
*More kazoo music from in front of the Uruk-Hai*  
  
'Bwee-BWEEEE-bwee-bwee-bwee-bwee-bwee-BWEEEE-bwe-bwee-BWEE-bwee-bwee-bwee- bweee-bweeee-bwee-bwee-bwee-BWEEEEEEE!' (People who have seen 'Robin Hood: Men in Tights' should be able to get this one.) The Uruk-Hai stopped in fear.  
  
"AAAAH! It is the Horse-Boys!" a random Uruk-Hai screamed. They dumped Merry and Pippin onto their heads in some brush, then turned and ran screaming in the other direction because they were having severe non- collinear waterfowl issues and it was convenient to the plot line. The Riders of Rohan burst out of the brush, their kazoo music blasting, and chased the Uruk-Hai, completely ignoring Merry and Pippin. After five minutes, Pippin spoke.  
  
"I think they forgot about us…should I go get them?"  
  
Merry sighed and dug around in his pack, pulling out his last Lorien flower. "Here…eat this, Pip…"  
  
***  
  
And Still Meanwhile…  
  
Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli were walking along on a plain…  
  
…Just walking along…  
  
…with nothing interesting going on around them. Gimli was hewing down anything in his path with his ax, Legolas was still ranting about his hair, and Aragorn was plugging his ears and singing nonsense as loud as he possibly could to drown out Legolas.  
  
"BOO!" Suddenly 105 warriors mounted on horseback snuck up on them unnoticed.  
  
"AAAAAAHH!" Gimli had a minor cornary and the Riders laughed as he lay on the ground and twitched. The Riders were all wearing black leather jackets and tight jeans and boots, and some of them had gloves on. They all wore a lot of chain jewelry, and each had a pair of dark black sunglasses on. Their leader had a Mohawk. The said leader came forth and grinned.  
  
"Yo."  
  
"Hi…"  
  
" 'Choo doin'?"  
  
"Walking. Hey, could we have some horses?"  
  
"Hey, yeah, we'z got some real nice ones, don' we, boys?" the leader said. "Yeh, they'r 'round hea some place…Hey, Éoiki, make sure we ain't got none a' da fuzz 'round, 'k?" One of the Riders turned and ran off to look for the 'fuzz'.  
  
"So's yous guys want horses, huh?" the leader said as he waited for Éoiki to return. The three nodded slowly. Well, da name's Éomer, and these hea me amigos, Éoden, Éolithe, Éosiir, and Éomama. So aaah…" But just then Éoiki came back with a troop of 'fuzz', who all wore fuzzy green shirts.  
  
"I tried to keep 'em off, Éomer!" Éoiki shouted as Éomer wrung his neck. "YOU WILL ALL COME TO-" the fuzz guy started, but suddenly a coffee cup came flying out of nowhere and hit him in the head and everybody scattered. What? Hey! Coffee cup?!  
  
Guys…  
  
~~~~~~~~Interruption~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
*BWEEEEEEEEEE!!!!* We interrupt this Interruption for this breaking news:  
  
* J is staring over her shoulder as the higher powers of FF.net glare at her: of course, all that can be seen of them are black silhouettes with glowing red eyes*  
  
J: *sweat running down her face* Umm…it is bad to put actors in your fics…we should have never have made the chapter ending dependant upon it…I am very sad that I-OW! Watch it with the knife back there! I'm apologizing, aren't I?! OW!! I'd better not be bleeding, you-ARG!! Okay, anyway, I just needed to eat up time and space to make up room for this interruption, and now I'm done, and so is the chapter. Am I bleeding?! There'd better not be blood! I'll sue for harassment if there's even ONE SPOT of blood…  
  
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Sample of Next Chapter: I Don't Care If You're Bent; What Are You?  
  
"I…ah…need to make a pit-stop…" Pippin said uneasily. "Well, I'll come with you then," Merry said (Gasp! He didn't ask a question?!).  
  
"NO YOU WON'T! YOU STAY RIGHT HERE, GOT IT?! I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!" Pippin shouted, rushing into the woods. 


	5. I don't care if you're bent; what are yo...

Chapter Five: I Don't Care If You're Bent; What Are You?  
  
Disclaimer: We are simply poor, poor students who own nothing.  
  
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Merry and Pippin AGAIN AGAIN…  
  
"Merry, I need to go…ah…go," Pippin said as they walked through a forest. They had walking along trying the find the Uruk-Hai, but had only managed to find the smoldering bodies of Orcs; no Uruk-Hai. They had stopped to roast some wild plants over the Orcs, but, being Hobbits, were hungry again.  
  
"Where do you need to go?" Merry asked.  
  
"I…ah…need to make a pit-stop…" Pippin said uneasily. "Well, I'll come with you then," Merry said (Gasp! He didn't ask a question?!).  
  
"NO YOU WON'T! YOU STAY RIGHT HERE, GOT IT?! I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!" Pippin shouted, rushing into the woods.  
  
"What an odd hobbit," Merry said to himself. "I don't know why I bother staying friends with him. Maybe I should just-" but Pippin's screams cut him off.  
  
***  
  
Pippin had rushed off into the woods and found himself a nice tree. He had just finished and was adjusting his knickers when a huge tree next to him shifted. He stood slowly and looked at it, and the tree winked at him. "How can a tree wink?" Pippin asked himself softly. "I just can," the tree answered.  
  
"Oh. Alright then," Pippin said, relaxing a bit. "Wait…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!" he screamed. The tree lunged forward, grabbed him, and started shaking him.  
  
***  
  
That was the sight that Merry was met with as he came upon Pippin and the crazy tree. "Pip! Why is the tree throttling you?!" Merry shouted at him, trying to grab Pippin and free him, but the tree grabbed Merry and held them suspended upside down. "Who are you that enters my forest?" the tree demanded.  
  
"Well, I'm Pippin, and this is Merry, and really, sir…ma'am…um, what are you exactly?" Pippin asked. "I'm an Ent!" the tree said. "I don't care if you're bent, sir, what are you?" Merry asked. "I'M AN ENT!" the tree screamed, flailing his arms, thus shaking Merry and Pippin all over.  
  
"It's a good thing we haven't eaten much, or I'd be sick all over…" Merry groaned. The Ent dropped them both to the ground, and they both struggled up. "I am Moss Man, old tree Ent guy, and I go by many names in my language," the Ent said. "You wouldn't happen to know Aragorn, would you?" Pippin asked. Merry smacked his arm out from under him, and Pippin went face-first in the dirt again.  
  
"Nope! I know no Aragorn," Moss Man said.  
  
"Well…could you help us?" Merry asked.  
  
"Why should I?"  
  
"Umm…" This was a very good question. "Umm…we'll give you…"  
  
"This!" Pippin said, holding up a Lorien flower. Merry's eyes widened. "Oh, no, Pip…that's your LAST flower…"  
  
"Don't be silly, Merry! I'm always happy to share!"  
  
"That's not quite what I meant…" But Moss Man took the flower, and, to Merry's dismay, ate it in the blink of an eye.  
  
"Mmmm…that was GOOD! Okay, I'll help you guys." Moss Man picked up Merry and Pippin much more gently than before and carried them into the woods.  
  
"You must be hungry!" Moss Man said. "We have many sorts of delicious soils, and some yummy twigs."  
  
"Um…do you have any Elanor (the All-Important Magical White Flower, remember?)?" Merry asked hopefully, noticing that Pippin was starting to twitch again.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"LITTLE BUNNY FOOFOO, HOPPIN' THROUGH THE FOREST, SCOOPIN' UP THE FIELD MICE AND BOPPIN' 'EM ON THE HEAD!…" Pippin suddenly burst into song and started to dance on Moss Man's open palm.  
  
"…That's why…" Merry sighed, rubbing his temples.  
  
"Oh, don't worry. I can fix that," Moss Man assured Merry. "Oy! Laughing Boy! SHUT UP OR I'LL EAT YOU!!!"  
  
Pippin immediately sat down in Moss Man's hand and shut his mouth. Merry hugged one of Moss Man's huge fingers, sobbing with tears actually running down his face. "Thank you…I love you…" he wept with joy, kissing Moss Man's finger. Moss Man blushed.  
  
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Sample of Next Chapter: GANDALF STRIKES BACK!  
  
"No desert?" Aragorn asked sadly. Legolas looked at Aragorn oddly, then turned to the person and asked, "Mithrandir?" The man smiled. "I am known by many names."  
  
"IT'S A PANDEMIC!" Gimli screamed, pulling his hair angrily. "What are y-" Legolas tried to say.  
  
"*WHY* DOES *EVERYBODY* HAVE *SO MANY NAMES* ???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Gimli cried, falling to his knees. "It's too much for his little mind to handle, poor dear," Mithrandir/Gandalf smiled, patting Gimli on the head. Gimli bit Gandalf's hand. Gandalf smacked Gimli in the head with his staff. 


	6. GANDALF STRIKES BACK!

Chapter Six: GANDALF STRIKES BACK!  
  
Disclaimer: Eh. Too lazy to think up even a semi-witty/clever one. See any previous chapter.  
  
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After being sold horses by some *very* shady salesmen, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were…riding. The horses had been *really* expensive, so they could only afford two. Aragorn had his own. Legolas was grudgingly sharing with Gimli, who, not being accustomed to horses, was a tiny bit skittish.  
  
"GIMLI! I CAN'T BREATH!" Legolas gasped for the eight time as he heard one of his ribs crack. Gimli tentatively loosened his grip on Legolas' waist a tiny little bit.  
  
Suddenly, Aragorn held up his hand for them to stop. Unfortunately, he stopped too abruptly, and Legolas' horse ran right into his horse. They all fell to the ground, and Gimli, who was stuck on his back, started to flail his arms and scream, "AH! I'M DROWNING! I'M DYING! HELP!" Aragorn and Legolas dragged the screaming Gimli to his feet, and Gimli promptly ran in circles flapping his arms and singing, "I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck, so I shake my butt!" Legolas screamed and covered his eyes while Aragorn tried to tackle Gimli.  
  
"Quiet, all of you!" a voice bellowed. They all froze. Then, there was a noise of someone jumping through the trees and down a hill, singing, "Tiptoe Through the Tulips." Whoever was singing shouted suddenly, tripped, fell, rolled down the hill and lay still at the bottom.  
  
"What is it?" Gimli asked, approaching the thingy on the ground and poking it with his ax.  
  
"OW! THAT HURTS!" the thing screamed. They jumped back and drew their weapons, trying to look heroic.  
  
"Now, now, little ones, be quiet! Put down you toys! Or no desert for you!" the person said, standing up.  
  
"No desert?" Aragorn asked sadly. Legolas looked at Aragorn oddly, then turned to the person and asked, "Mithrandir?" The man smiled. "I am known by many names."  
  
"IT'S A PANDEMIC!" Gimli screamed, pulling his hair angrily. "What are y-" Legolas tried to say.  
  
"*WHY* DOES *EVERYBODY* HAVE *SO MANY NAMES* ???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Gimli cried, falling to his knees. "It's too much for his little mind to handle, poor dear," Mithrandir/Gandalf smiled, patting Gimli on the head. Gimli bit Gandalf's hand. Gandalf smacked Gimli in the head with his staff.  
  
"So what happened to you, Gandalf?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"Well," Gandalf began, "I-" "NOOOOO!" Gimli wailed. "Mithrandir…" Legolas said quietly. "QUIET!" Gandalf shouted. He then continued to tell them about his visit to the Balrog's home, where he received dancing lessons and met a few very nice Elven female dance instructors and received new clothes.  
  
"What?" Legolas asked in excitement. "New clothes? What do they look like? Do you have any Gucci?" The other three looked at him oddly. "No, I'll show you!" Gandalf said, about to undo his robes.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" the other three screamed, shielding their eyes and turning away. "WHAT?!" Gandalf shouted. "We wanted to see your new clothes, not a striptease!" Aragorn shouted. "You fools!" Gandalf shouted, smacking each of them with his staff. "My NEW robes!" Gandalf declared, throwing off his ratty robes. "Ooooooooh…" they marveled. Gandalf had on sparkling white robes with pretty glitter and little rhinestones and stuff. "He looks like the next Elton John…" Gimli muttered.  
  
"Well, it's good to have you back, my friend," Aragorn said to Gandalf. They all sort of…stood around for a little. "Now we must go to the Golden Hall-" Gandalf began. "GOLD!!" Gimli screamed. "-of Rohan," Gandalf finished after a slight pause. "Why must we go there, Gandalf?" Legolas asked. "Don't start that again!" Aragorn warned him, and Legolas touched his ravaged hair lightly.  
  
"We must go see Théoden, King of the Etch-A-Sketch. There, we will earn a powerful ally, Aragorn will go on to greatness and leave a hot babe behind, the plot will become more involved and interesting, and we will make many puns and jokes at the King expense." Gandalf said grandly.  
  
The guys all got their horses and started off. Once they were a little bit in the distance, Gandalf turned to Legolas and asked, "Hey, what happened to your hair?"  
  
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Sample of Next Chapter: More Time-Wasting Inanity  
  
"I'm in my happy place…my happy place…" Gimli was trying to imagine he was underground.  
  
"GIMLI! I'M GOING TO PASS OUT IF YOU DON'T LET GO!" Legolas' face was turning a very attractive shade of blue. Gimli just whimpered and held on tighter. 


	7. More Time-Wasting Inanity...

Chapter Seven: More Time-Wasting Inanity  
  
Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah, as if, I wish, you've heard it all before  
  
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Pippin and Merry went back with Moss Man and had a slumber party at his house. They stayed up late telling scary stories, though Moss Man's weren't that scary-they were all about termites.  
  
The next day, Merry and Pippin noticed that Moss Man was being very secretive. He was wearing a black suit and dark glasses and muttering to himself as he moved about nervously. When they asked him what was going on, he only replied "That's classified information, gentlemen," to which they always responded "Oooookaaaaay…"  
  
Later on, though, Moss Man revealed his secret: All Ents were actually undercover FBI agents, and they would be having a meeting in their secret headquarters later that night. He brought Merry and Pippin along for Show and Tell.  
  
~*At the Entmoot*~  
  
"Item Number One: The Headquarters," a random Ent said. They had said the pledge, gone over the minutes of the last meeting, had a snack, done arts and crafts, and were now getting down to business "Continue with the Entmoot: yes or no?"  
  
He received a few 'yes's but more 'no's.  
  
"I hate this place…it has squirrels," another Ent uttered, pulling a squirrel off his back.  
  
"Okay! Disband!" The Ent checked a box. "Item Number Two: Those Professional-Wrestling Orc-thingies. They keep running into us," the Ent said, pointing to several cartoon-style outlines of Uruk-Hai in his bark. "Should we go kill them?"  
  
"YEAH!"  
  
"OKAY! That concludes the meeting!" The Ent threw the paper over his shoulder. Then the Ents all rushed out of the clearing, singing "When the Ents Go Marching In". Merry and Pippin were left to stand around and blink awkwardly. Or rather, Merry was left to stand around and blink awkwardly. Pippin ran after the Ents, singing, "On the Road Again" (AGAIN!! Doesn't he know ANY other songs?! Jeez…)  
  
***  
  
DaRum! DaRum! DaRum! They were making pretty good time…  
  
"I'm in my happy place…my happy place…" Gimli was trying to imagine he was underground.  
  
"GIMLI! I'M GOING TO PASS OUT IF YOU DON'T LET GO!" Legolas' face was turning a very attractive shade of blue. Gimli just whimpered and held on tighter.  
  
"I have my own horse, I have my own horse," Aragorn taunted as he rode past, blowing a raspberry at Legolas.  
  
"Shut up, you immature mortal!" Legolas yelled.  
  
"YOU shut up, you prissy pretty boy!"  
  
"YOU shut up, you unwashed scum!"  
  
"CHILDREN! STOP BICKERING OR I'LL SEND YOU TO TIME-OUT!" Gandalf was getting pretty pissed. He had already taken away their dessert, computer, AND PlayStation 2, INCLUDING their LOTR game, and they STILL wouldn't stop fighting. So Gandalf, being much wiser than he looked (At least…we THINK so…), pulled out some earplugs and stuffed them in his ears and hummed happy tunes, leaving Legolas and Aragorn to duke it out.  
  
"YOU shut up, you prissy pointy-eared thing!"  
  
"YOU shut up, you hairball!"  
  
"YOU shut up, you Gap commercial sell-out!"  
  
"YOU shut up, you greasy monkey!"  
  
"YOU shut up, you bleached-blonde sissy!"  
  
"I am NOT a sissy!"  
  
"Are too!"  
  
"Am not!"  
  
"Are too!"  
  
"Am not!"  
  
"Are too!"  
  
"Am not!"  
  
This continued all the way to Rohan, trust me, it's boring and neither one takes off his shirt to fight, so we'll continue next chapter.  
  
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Sample of Next Chapter: M.E.M.!  
  
Upon entering the hall, they caught their breath. Inside, everything was made of gold.  
  
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!!!!!!" Gimli screamed, throwing his arms around the nearest pillar. "Hey, yo yo, no touchin' the merchandise, man!" a familiar voice called across the hall. Legolas, Gandalf, and Aragorn looked over, but Gimli was too busy hugging the golden pillar. Standing further down the hall was Éomer with a young woman who immediately fell for Aragorn. Hard. 


	8. M.E.M.!

Chapter Eight: M.E.M.!  
  
Disclaimer: We own the concept of the M.E.M., so DON'T TAKE IT! But we don't own any of the characters or places or things like that…  
  
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~In Rohan…somewhere…~  
  
As the guys approached the village, they noticed that everyone was walking around with Etch-A-Sketches and having a generals problem that every time they moved, their Etch-A-Sketches would shake and parts of their messages would get erased. They were led to a great hall and checked their bags at the door.  
  
Upon entering the hall, they caught their breath. Inside, everything was made of gold.  
  
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!!!!!!" Gimli screamed, throwing his arms around the nearest pillar. "Hey, yo yo yo, no touchin' the merchandise, man!" a familiar voice called across the hall. Legolas, Gandalf, and Aragorn looked over, but Gimli was too busy hugging the golden pillar. Standing further down the hall was Éomer with a young woman who immediately fell for Aragorn. Hard.  
  
"Oh, hey, you's guys!" Éomer said, coming over and giving Legolas a high- five. "Who's da new guy?" he asked.  
  
"…Oh! This is Gandalf!" Aragorn said. He had been distracted by the woman, who was walking around him, looking him over. "And who is this…interesting young lady?"  
  
"Th' name's Éowyn, sweetie," she said, snapping her gum loudly and adjusting her black jacket and tube top. She pinched Aragorn's ass, and he jumped considerably, which caused Éowyn to laugh.  
  
"My son…" a voice from the end of the hall called. "Who has come to seek my counsel?"  
  
"Hey, da ya remember th' guys I told ya 'bout? Who bought da horses, right? Well, dese 're them!" Éomer managed to say while trying to keep Éowyn off Aragorn.  
  
At the end of the hall, seated on a black leather throne, there was an old man wearing a pinstriped suit. He had small eyes and a thick Italian accent. At either side of him were ten guys dressed in black suits, all standing at attention. Just then, Gríma-  
  
"No!"  
  
What?  
  
"I'm not coming out! You're exploiting me!"  
  
*Gríma is picked up by special narrative powers and set before Théoden. He is wearing a bunny costume*  
  
"Why is he wearing a bunny costume?" Aragorn asked Gandalf, who simply shrugged. Legolas looked disgusted.  
  
"M' lord's not a well man," Éomer said. "His esteem'd time is very valuable, so you's guys'd better talk b'fore he takes a nap on yas." Meanwhile, Gríma was hopping around the Hall like crazy. "I NEED TRIX!" he was shouting over and over again.  
  
"Sir, we need help w-" Aragorn began, but Théoden waved a hand to stop him. "I know your plight, my child, and my warriors would be glad to help you. But my services are not cheap," Théoden responded.  
  
"What do you wish in return?" Legolas asked. Théoden waved over Gríma, and they conversed quickly. "I would like you to get your Dwarf out of here before he takes out that load-bearing pillar, for starters," Théoden said, motioning towards Gimli, who was still hugging the pillar. "And I would like you to take us in need of pity once you come into office, if you know what I mean, my child."  
  
Aragorn blinked. "What…?" he asked. "He's a bit slow on the draw, your Highness," Gandalf explained.  
  
"Oh!" Théoden said, chuckling. "Well, in plain Westron, you and I will be partners in business, my child," Théoden said, resting back in his chair.  
  
"I'm not sure I wanna be partners with this guy…" Aragorn whispered to Legolas and Gandalf. "I agree. I've heard…stories…about people who get involved with the M.E.M.," Legolas stated. "The Who?" Aragorn asked. "No, they're a band!" Gandalf exclaimed. "M.E.M. is the Middle-Earth Mafia!"  
  
"Why didn't they just call themselves MM?" Aragorn asked. "Complications with Mars Corp.," Legolas said quickly. "The fact stands, we need his help, and you must act as a key to getting it, Aragorn!" he continued. "But I-" Aragorn began to protest. "You WILL do this, Aragorn, or I will make you wear Gríma's bunny suit!" Gandalf said. Legolas and Aragorn shuddered, and Aragorn nodded reluctantly.  
  
"We accept your terms," Gandalf said. Legolas grabbed Gimli and dragged him outside, with Gimli still hanging on tight to a golden trashcan he had grabbed.  
  
Théoden smiled. "Very well then, we will assemble in ten minutes in the town square. Gríma!" he shouted. Yes, M' Lord?" Gríma asked, ceasing his hopping. "Your furry antics no longer amuse me. You may go back to Saruman. You have served your sentence," Théoden said.  
  
Aragorn and Gandalf looked incredulously, first at Gríma as he left (he took off his bunny ears and put them on Gandalf), and then at Théoden. "HE WORKS FOR SARUMAN?!" they both shouted. "Yes. He was being punished," Théoden said darkly. "For what, might I ask?" Aragorn questioned. "Littering," Théoden responded.  
  
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Sample of Next Chapter: The Battle of Helman's Deep! 


	9. The Battle of Helman's Deep!

Chapter Nine: The Battle of Helman's Deep!  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own it, never will, everyone knows it, so quit asking  
  
As of 6/18/02: SCHOOL'S OVER! SCHOOL'S OVER! SCHOOL'S OVER! YAAAAAY! *turns several gymnast-quality cartwheels*  
  
A/N: These next two chapters are really much funnier if you've heard the rumors about the fates of Legolas, Gimli, and Arwen at Helm's Deep in the second movie…the ones we've heard, anyway…I'll post a review with the rumors so you can read that, if you choose to do so, but *DON'T*, I REPEAT, DO *NOT* ASK ME ABOUT THE RUMORS IN YOUR REVIEWS! THEY'RE JUST *RUMORS*! NOT MY FAULT! I AM JUST A POOR SIMPLE RECIPIENT OF ILL-FATED NEWS AND TOLKIEN SLANDER! *runs away screaming about poor Legolas and Gimli and that bitch Arwen and something about burning Peter Jackson in effigy if he really does go through with this*  
  
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"So where exactly are we going?" Pippin asked. He and Merry were with a troop of FBI Ents, heading for…well, Moss Man will tell us that.  
  
"We're off on 'government business' to Isengard," Moss Man said, followed by a lot of 'froom-froom' business. But it's unimportant and stupid and boring, so let's go back to the happy running people!  
  
***  
  
…who were happily running towards Isengard to stop the power of Saruman!  
  
L: *WHAM!* Bad J! They had to go to Helman's Deep first!  
  
J: What? Wait-  
  
L: *WHAM!* Quiet!  
  
J: OW! I was getting there! That HURTS…anyway…  
  
Of course, Gimli was sharing a horse with Legolas, and Aragorn and Gandalf each had their own horses. Gimli was wearing his golden trashcan on his head.  
  
They were riding over the hills to Isengard with the Riders of Rohan, when Théoden rode up alongside Gandalf and Aragorn. "I'll make you an offer you cannot refuse," Théoden said. Gandalf and Aragorn shot quick glances at each other. "Yes?" Gandalf asked.  
  
"You must go to Helman's Deep and protect it. Mayonnaise is very much desired in these parts. We horde it. You must, or we'll kill you," Théoden said. Legolas put his head in his hands and cursed an entire civilization's worth in Elvish. Aragorn nearly fell of his horse. He looked to Gandalf for help, but the wizard was whistling and looking away. "FINE!" Aragorn shouted in exasperation.  
  
Théoden smiled. "I am glad to see you are such a wise young man."  
  
***  
  
They rode on for a while until they reached Helman's Deep, also apparently called the Hummbug and Helman's Gate. "How do you know that?" Gimli asked. "Look at the signs," Aragorn said. They were greeted by a lot of guys waiting around for something to do.  
  
"We're awaiting battle," one of them explained. "And we're getting pretty bored." …Great…  
  
Suddenly, a lookout dude started jumping around, screaming: "There's an arrow in my head! There's an arrow in my head!" The warriors all flew into a panic, but the guy with the arrow in his head started laughing. "Fooled you!" he shouted, pulling the arrow headband off his head. A moment later, a REAL arrow smashed through the back of his head, the point and a bit of the shaft sticking out of his forehead. "Oh, f-" the guy started, then fell over and died.  
  
A new song came wafting over the hills, just like the smell of the approaching creatures:  
  
"The orcs go marching eight by eight, hurrah! Hurrah! The orcs go marching eight by eight, hurrah! Hurrah! The orcs go marching eight by eight, they'll go kick @$$ at Helman's Gate, so we all go falling down! To the ground! And we're in! Lots of pain!  
  
-Bum bum bum bum-"  
  
Of course, they only sang that verse over and over again because they couldn't rhyme well, if you couldn't tell.  
  
"You are completely outnumbered!" a random orc yelled up at the Rohirrim. "Surrender your condiments!"  
  
"Never!" Aragorn yelled, drawing his sword and pointing it dramatically. "We will defend the mayonnaise to the very bitter end!"  
  
The Rohirrim snickered. Aragorn looked around fiercely. "What? Why is that so damn funny?!"  
  
"You know…condiments…mayonnaise…" one Rider said, trying to explain the joke without coming out and saying it, even though it would have been ok since this is a PG-13 fic and everyone should know what we mean if they're over 13 and if they don't, I'm sorry, but they've led a very sheltered life. "CONDIMents…"  
  
"I don't get it…" Aragorn said, a looked of confusion across his now non- stubbly face.  
  
"BITTER END…SWORD…MAYONNAISE"  
  
"……………*blink blink* Don't follow."  
  
"POINTED…MAYONNAISE…CONDIMENTS…MAYONNAISE…oh, I give up, you're hopeless!" the Rider said. Aragorn shrugged and went back to being dramatic. "Anyway…to the bitter end!"  
  
"Fine!" The orcs all drew their weapons, and suddenly, the 500 (give or take) Rohirrim and four idiots found several thousand sharp, shiny weapons pointed in their general direction. Aragorn dropped his sword and backed away from the edge.  
  
"Come on, guys…can't you take a little joke?"  
  
"No sense of humor! CHARGE!"  
  
The orcs started swarming up the edge of the wall. The Rohirrim started throwing anything they could to keep the orcs down…rocks, arrows, weapons, chickens-  
  
"AAAAA!" Gimli screamed as a Rohirrim picked him up. "Not me, NOT ME!"  
  
"Oops." The Rohirrim dumped him on his head and picked up a rock to throw at the approaching orcs.  
  
For some reason (sadistic authors), all this rock-arrow-weapon-chicken- dwarf-tossing didn't daunt the orcs. They kept climbing up the walls, fueled by the white powder of wonder.  
  
Crackheads: WHAA??  
  
SUGAR, you fools! Now, back to the battle…  
  
"HEY!" someone yelled up over the side of the wall. Aragorn looked over the side, narrowly avoided an arrow, and saw Arwen standing behind the orc lines with a bunch of warrior Elves dressed up like samurai.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE????!!!!" he screamed. "WHAT DOES IT MATTER?!" Legolas shouted at Aragorn. "ARWEN, YOUR BOYFRIEND IS AN IDIOT! HELP US!" the same Elf shouted at Arwen.  
  
"How do you know she came to help us?" Aragorn asked. Gimli suddenly popped up and said, "If she didn't want to help us, why did she bring all those warriors?" Legolas nodded in agreement. "She could want to kill us," Aragorn said with a shrug. "You mean YOU," Gimli grumbled.  
  
Meanwhile, Arwen and the Elves were busy kicking some orc @$$, quickly making their way to the Gate. "Estel?…" Arwen said sweetly as she snuck up behind him. "Y-yes, Arwen?" Aragorn answered sheepishly, turning to face her.  
  
"If this is an unsuccessful battle, Estel," Arwen growled, grabbing Aragorn by the collar roughly, "for every injured Elf Samurai, Atar's going to punch you in the face." She released him and Aragorn blinked. "Golly gosh, Batman!" Gimli said randomly. They all turned and stared at him. Gimli shrugged his shoulders, grabbed his ax, and walked away. "Well…" Legolas said.  
  
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Sample of Next Chapter: THIS Is Why There Was No Post-Battle Party!  
  
So everyone ran around, screaming and hitting everyone around them with swords, axes, rocks, and other people. Why, might you ask?  
  
Because one of the men stood up on top of the frickin' wall and shouted, "If I have to die in battle, I suggest we all start out with a friendly game of 'Grab-Ass'!" This caused everyone to look quizzically at their comrades, and then freak out. 


	10. THIS Is Why There Was No Post-Battle Par...

Chapter Ten: THIS Is Why There Was No Post-Battle Party!  
  
Disclaimer: We COULD own something, someday, if we put our minds to it and set goals and work hard…but right now, we'd rather write this pointless story we'll never have a chance of owning.  
  
A/N: For no good reason, I went to the bios of everyone who has left at least one signed review to see if we are on their favorites list (L, you're a writer, so you don't count). I just want to take a moment to recognize everyone I know of who has added 'The (mis)Adventures of Frodo and the Boys!' or 'Welcome to NYC!' to their favorites thus far, because as far as I'm concerned, that's the ultimate kiss-up (Couldn't have done it without you, you brown-nosing, wanna-be minions, you. And I mean that in a good way). So, here they are. The ones I could find, at least:  
  
Jeyhawk, Angare, blondie, Midnight Sky, LOTRwriter, ElfGirls, and Melloth89  
  
I don't know why I wasted Internet time doing that…but thank you all anyway!  
  
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Battle, battle, battle; pain, pain, pain; blood, blood, blood; redundance, redundance, redundance.  
  
So everyone ran around, screaming and hitting everyone around them with swords, axes, rocks, and other people. Why, might you ask?  
  
Because one of the men stood up on top of the frickin' wall and shouted, "If I have to die in battle, I suggest we all start out with a friendly game of 'Grab-Ass'!" This caused everyone to look quizzically at their comrades, and then freak out.  
  
Arwen did not share in this wonder of poorly-used masculinity, as she wouldn't have minded playing. She was the only woman there.  
  
L: Can I call her a woman? It implies her to be a Man, but she's an Elf…  
  
J:…………*blinks* You lost me.  
  
L: Well, it would mean she's a Man.  
  
J: ARWEN is a man?!  
  
Arwen: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!  
  
L: No, I mean of the Race of Men!  
  
Arwen: *about to beat J's face into a bloody pulp* Oh. Well, no. I'm an Elf. A FEMALE Elf.  
  
L: WHY couldn't he just have used 'humans'?  
  
J: What?! I could SO kick her ass!  
  
L: THAT'S ENOUGH!  
  
Arwen sat around watching the misguided and utterly idiotic men for a few moments as they all tried not to get their asses grabbed (consequentially, they were all so busy trying to protect their asses that no one was trying to actually grab them), filing her nails into wicked-looking claws, but then yelled "STOP!"  
  
All the men stopped dead in their tracks. Arwen stood regally and glared at them with her eeeeeeeee-vil, soulless eyes.  
  
"I'm going home!" she announced. "Estel, I'll see you in the third book!" She blew him a kiss, then disappeared with a flash of lightning and a cloud of eeeeeeeee-vil looking, eeeeeeeee-vil smelling red and black (yes! It was TWO colors!) smoke. Aragorn shuddered. "I hate it when she does that…"  
  
All the men stood up and brushed themselves off, realized they had won the battle and were not yet dead, and so, began to celebrate their victory in all their macho-glory.  
  
"YAAAAAAAY!" Everyone dumped a huge tankard of ale on Théoden.  
  
"AH!" Théoden tried to shake off his arms. "And this was designer Armani armor, too…I was forced to pay an arm and a leg for this…not my own, of course, but…"  
  
"Aw, buck up there, Horsey Guy!" Gimli was drinking ale from his golden trashcan. "We won!"  
  
"And we didn't die!" Legolas said, giving Gimli a high-five. They both did a little dance (Oh, get that image out of your head! I can see it: I KNOW what you're thinking…that's just vile…), while singing the first verse of The Song of Canon Righteousness: "Justice has prevailed! Tolkien be hailed! We have been saved! Peter Jackson is depraved!"  
  
Only Gandalf didn't participate in this display of macho-glory. He stood off to the side, tapping his foot impatiently, waiting for everyone to finish getting smashed so they could continue whatever fruitless quest they happened to currently be on.  
  
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandaaaaaaaaaaaaaalf…" Aragorn came swaggering up to Gandalf, obviously WAAAAAAAY beyond drunk, with a tankard of ale in his hand. "You waaaaaaaaaaaant sooooooooooome?"  
  
"NO MORE DRINKING!" Gandalf yelled, and with a POOF! everyone's ale vanished.  
  
"So wha da we do now?" one of the Rohirrim asked. "Well, we still gotta go to Isengard…" Another Rohirrim said, smacking his copy of the script with the back of his hand.  
  
"ROADTRIP!" Everybody (minus Gandalf) shouted, and went and got their horses. Gandalf grumbled (more alliteration!) behind them.  
  
"Hi-ho, hi-ho, to Isengard we go!" they all sang. Unfortunately, they couldn't whistle. Legolas and Gimli, still stuck riding the same horse, were getting tired of each other. "If we don't get you a separate horse, Gimli, your weight will crush this one," Legolas said. "I'd cut your hair, you rat, but I believe that at its current length I may miss and take your head off!" Gimli retorted. Legolas just rolled his eyes.  
  
So, they rode along…  
  
Still riding…  
  
Lots of riding…  
  
Oh! They're camping!…  
  
And now they're riding…  
  
"Stop!"  
  
Oh. They were at Fangorn! By means of literary magic and a good deal of non- stop riding, they were at Fangorn, which was a forest. There were trees.  
  
"Well, this is odd…" Gandalf said, looking at the trees. Gimli shrieked and Legolas fell off the horse, and Aragorn just sort of stared, as was his inclination. The trees were walking around, holding plastic signs. "I…what…how…?" Legolas asked, not finishing any of his questions.  
  
"They're Ents!" Gandalf exclaimed in exasperation. "What do the signs say?" Gimli asked. "They say 'DOWN WITH SARUMAN' and "ISENGARD=EVIL'," Gandalf said, turning to look at the others. "They must be going our way!"  
  
Gandalf tugged on Shadowfax's reins and said, "We must continue to Isengard!" All the guys cried and shouted that they didn't want to go. Gandalf waved his staff, and suddenly, everyone's clothes were covered with…Barbie-pink polka-dots.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Everyone ran around screaming, trying to get the horrible polka-dots off their clothes.  
  
"GANDALF!" Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli ran up to Gandalf. "I COMMAND YOU TO REMOVE THESE POLKA-DOTS!"  
  
"I think…no," Gandalf said. "At least not until we get to Isengard."  
  
"You sick evil senile old…" Legolas muttered.  
  
"You watch your mouth, young man!" Gandalf whacked Legolas over the head with his staff, then mounted Shadowfax. Everyone grudgingly mounted their own horses and followed him, grumbling about how their clothes didn't match their swords anymore.  
  
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Sample of next chapter: Fun With Megaphones!  
  
Just then, an Ent ran by screaming, its branches aflame. Following a little ways behind were Théoden and Gandalf, trying to act casual. "Mister Moss Man?" Gandalf began. "YES?" Moss Man responded through his megaphone. "We must speak with you," Théoden said. "I'M A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW." Théoden pulled out the Zippo again, and Moss Man stopped.  
  
"ZIGGY!" Moss Man said to another Ent (still using the megaphones…). "YES?" "WATCH MY POST FOR A BIT." "10-4." Moss Man was about to set his megaphone down when Gandalf got fussy. 


	11. Fun With Megaphones!

Chapter Eleven: Fun With Megaphones!  
  
Disclaimer: Nope, don't own it, but hey! If I ever win the lotto I might be able to buy it! Or at LEAST be able to afford all the legal crap for L and me to publish the story without getting sued! You never know!  
  
A/N: Here's a random though for you because J thinks of weird things when reading 'Lord of the Rings' at 11 o'clock at night: On page 243 of 'The Fellowship of the Ring', Strider says of the Black Riders: "...More deadly to him was the name of Elbereth...". So, would it have done any good if all the members of the Last Alliance ran around screaming 'ELBERETH! ELBERETH!' while they were fighting the eeee-vil forces of Mordor? Huh? HUH?!  
  
A/N2: J HAS ROADRUNNER NOW! *skips around happily* I love it, I love it, I LOVE IT!  
  
A/N3: Anna: I think that was just a glitch in FF.net. I could only access the first chapter for a while as well.  
  
LOTRWriter: Someone thought it was an actor fic. But it WASN'T! Just read on their rules page: they define Actor stories as 'revolving around real actors'. WE DIDN'T DO THAT! WE JUST BORROWED THEM FOR A FEW MINUTES! *L and J beat their heads against a table in frustration*  
  
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~At Isengard~  
  
"YAAAAAAY!" Everyone cheered as they got within sight of Orthanc. "Alright, Gandalf, OFF WITH THE POLKA-DOTS!"  
  
"But you all look so cute..." Gandalf began. Suddenly, every weapon in the clearing was leveled at Gandalf.  
  
"I don't know why we didn't think of this before," Gimli said.  
  
"Because the authors think we look cute too," Aragorn muttered.  
  
"Okay, okay..." Gandalf waved his staff, and all the polka-dots disappeared, except on Aragorn, who still unknowingly had polka-dots down his back. "HI!" Merry and Pippin hopped over suddenly.  
  
"AHHHH!!! THE EVIL PIXIES ARE ATTACKING!" The Rohirrim all screamed and hid in the forest.  
  
"Yes! Fear us and our mighty pixie powers!" Pippin made various spooky noises, then turned to Gandalf and Aragorn and those other two guys.  
  
"Hi! Nice to see you again!" he said, bouncing in a highly annoying fashion from foot to foot. The he looked closer. "There's something different about you guys." he said, peering at the Beardless Aragorn, the Crew-cut Legolas, the Rejuvenated Gandalf, and the Hasn't-Really-Changed-Much Gimli. "Legolas! Have you lost weight?"  
  
Everyone sighed and put their faces in their hands, begging Manwë or any other Valar who might be listening to please smite L so she will STOP MAKING FUN OF J OVER THE PHONE!, and as an afterthought, to cure Pippin of his ADHD.  
  
"No, I knew that wasn't it...Gimli! You've grown!  
  
Merry interjected, "Pip?"  
  
"Yes, Merry?"  
  
"Stop talking. When you open your mouth, stupid things come out."  
  
"Hel-LO?" Gandalf stretched out his arms. "A-HEM?"  
  
"Sure, I'll hug you!" Pippin gave Gandalf a hug.  
  
"EW! I meant, HELLO, I'VE RESURRECTED FROM THE DEAD!"  
  
"Oh.cool." Merry blinked.  
  
"That's it? No, 'OH GANDALF, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!'? No, 'FEARLESS LEADER, THANK THE VALAR YOU'RE BACK!'? No, 'WE WERE STUMLING BLIND THROUGH THE WILDERNESS WITHOUT YOU! NOW YOU'RE BACK AND WE LOVE YOU!'?"  
  
"Nope. Never thought that."  
  
"Uh-uh."  
  
Gandalf sighed. "Why do I ever bother..."  
  
Théoden rode up and looked about. "I must speak with Moss Man, as my business with him is very important," he said. Pippin looked at Théoden oddly, and Merry tried not to laugh. Legolas, tired of sitting on a horse with Gimli, jumped down, which caused Gimli to do the one thing that Dwarves do best: play opossum(Why does that have an 'o' at the beginning if it's pronounced 'possum'? My life will not be fulfilled until I figure out WHY that 'o' is there.but I digress...). He fell from the horse and lay on the ground, frozen in place. Everyone stared at him.  
  
"Okay...Moss Man is at Isengard, and they're trying to get Saruman," Merry finally said. They all walked over to the tower, only to find they couldn't get near it, as it was surrounded by water.  
  
"It's a giant water park!" Aragorn said. "No," an Ent said, walking over as it adjusted its headset. "This is just a precaution. We're trying to drown out all these rats like rats so we don't need to worry about Saruman escaping. If you would like to by a commemorative T-shirt, mug, or baseball cap, the gift shop is just around the corner."  
  
"I must see Moss Man, my good Ent," Théoden said importantly. "Moss Man is busy now," the Ent said. "I must speak with him," Gandalf said also. "He is busy," the Ent said stubbornly. "I will make you an offer you cannot refuse," Théoden said. The Ent raised an eyebrow; "What would that be?" Théoden pulled out a Zippo and flipped open the top.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, Moss Man and the other FBI Ents were trying to coax Saruman out of his room. "I look like an idiot! I'm not coming down!" Saruman shouted. "WE NEED YOU TOO COOPERATE," an Ent said through a megaphone.  
  
Just then, an Ent ran by screaming, its branches aflame. Following a little ways behind were Théoden and Gandalf, trying to act casual. "Mister Moss Man?" Gandalf began. "YES?" Moss Man responded through his megaphone. "We must speak with you," Théoden said. "I'M A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW." Théoden pulled out the Zippo again, and Moss Man stopped. "ZIGGY!" Moss Man said to another Ent (still using the megaphones...). "YES?" "WATCH MY POST FOR A BIT." "TEN-FOUR." Moss Man was about to set his megaphone down when Gandalf got fussy.  
  
"Could you hurry it up?" he said irritably. "THIS IS A DELICATE BUISNESS, MISTER!" Moss Man screamed through his megaphone. "I CAN'T BE RUSHED!" Théoden tapped the Zippo against his thigh, and Moss Man suddenly realized he COULD be rushed and sped over to Théoden and Gandalf.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile (again!), Pippin and Merry were telling their very boring, overly long story called 'Merry and Pippin save the day with a little bit of help from the Ents'. As previously stated, it was very boring and overly long, and soon everyone, with the exceptions of Merry and Pippin, who loved the sounds of their own voices, was asleep.  
  
"...and THAT'S how we saved the day!" Merry concluded, beaming with pride.  
  
Everyone who should have been listening snored.  
  
"I know! Great, wasn't it?"  
  
Gandalf walked over and poked the sleeping people. "WAKE UP! We're going to visit Saruman!"  
  
"Zzzz...no, mommy...I'm too old for the tiny pants..." Aragorn muttered in his sleep. Gandalf sighed and whacked Aragorn's head with his staff. "I SAID, GET UP!" "AH! WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON?!"  
  
"We're going to visit Saruman and bring him some get-well cards. He's not feeling too well." "Well, I'm sure you wouldn't be feeling well either if your house was full of water," Aragorn muttered.  
  
"His house is full of water?" Merry asked. "Yes, shut up, Merry, or I'll drown you again!" Aragorn shouted. Merry just shrugged his shoulders and kept walking.  
  
" 'Dear Saruman,'," Pippin read as he wrote out a card. " 'I hope you feel better and your intestinal parasites go away. Signed, Peregrin'."  
  
"What are you talking about?!" Legolas said. "Saruman doesn't have intestinal parasites!" "Oh? And how do YOU know he doesn't?" Pippin asked. "Well, I ah...oh, do be quiet, Peregrin!" Legolas exclaimed. Pippin grinned and stuck his card into an envelope and sealed it.  
  
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Sample of Next Chapter: The Spandex of Saruman  
  
And Saruman ran out onto the porch, allowing them all to see his wonderful blue and orange spandex. They all just stared at him, except for Legolas, who fainted dead away. "You killed Legolas!" Pippin shrieked. "I didn't mean-" Saruman began, but their cheers drowned him out. 


	12. The Spandex of Saruman

Chapter Twelve: The Spandex of Saruman  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own it, never will, belongs to Tolkien's Estate and everyone knows it A/N: Hey, I managed to get my hands on a bootleg copy of "Fellowship of the Ring". Did you know it took Boromir almost five minutes to die? Useless trivia, ne? ^_^;;;  
  
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"Saruman, come out!" Aragorn called. "SARUMAN, YOU HAVE VISITORS!" Moss Man shouted. "I'm not coming out until I get a COSTUME CHANGE!" Saruman shouted. "Whiny baby," Gandalf muttered. "I only have one outfit and I'm not whining..."  
  
"Yeah, well you haven't seen what I'm wearing!" "Woo hoo! Come out and show us, stupid!"  
  
"FINE!"  
  
And Saruman ran out onto the porch, allowing them all to see his wonderful blue and orange spandex. They all just stared at him, except for Legolas, who fainted dead away. "You killed Legolas!" Pippin shrieked. "I didn't mean-" Saruman began, but their cheers drowned him out.  
  
Using this distraction, Saruman tried to go back in, but the door jammed and he got stuck outside. "Gríma! Let me in!" he shouted and pounded on the door. All the Rohirrim started laughing at him, and when he got back inside, he grabbed the nearest thing, the Palantír, and hurled it into the crowd, hitting Pippin on the head.  
  
"Pippin! Are you okay?!" Merry said, shaking Pippin as he lay on the ground.  
  
"Merry, I think I'm cured!"  
  
"Of what?"  
  
"MY HYPERACTIVITY!"  
  
"HURRAH!"  
  
But suddenly, Pippin jumped up and into the nearest Rohirrim, shouting, "I NEED A HUG!" Everyone sighed and wondered how much longer until Ritalin would be invented.  
  
"So you're just going to stay in there and be a brat, huh?!" Gandalf yelled at Saruman.  
  
"Yes!" Saruman yelled back.  
  
"Fine, then we'll just stand out here and wait for you!"  
  
"That's fine!"  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"FINE!"  
  
"FINE!" Gandalf stormed off in a hissy fit and everyone ran after him.  
  
"What do I do with this rock?" Merry asked. "It's not a rock, it's a jawbreaker!" Pippin said and stuck the Palantír in his mouth. "No, it's a Seeing Stone!" Gandalf shouted. "Give it here!"  
  
And Pippin spat it out of his mouth into Gandalf's outstretched hand. "Ugh, that's disgusting!" Gimli said.  
  
"What do you see?" Legolas (who was magically revived) asked. "I see..." Gandalf said, waving his hand over the Palantír in a mysterious way.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I see..."  
  
"What? What do you see?"  
  
"I see..."  
  
"WHAT, YOU SENILE OLD FREAK?!"  
  
Gandalf looked up and said in a solemn, terrified, tiny whisper: "I see dead people."  
  
Since none of them had ever seen 'The Sixth Sense', seeing as how movies had not yet been invented, everyone thought he was serious and started freaking out and began writing out their wills and trying to run home and hide until Gandalf threatened to put the polka-dots back on their clothes. This shut them all up, and Gandalf put the Palantír into his pocket. Then they all went to find a Best Western to stay in, but they couldn't find one, so they decided to sleep on the ground. The Ents remained outside of Saruman's tower, shouting through their megaphones for him to please come out and give himself up.  
  
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Next Chapter: The Paperweight of Shininess  
  
*nervous cough/laugh* Yah, I know the summary isn't here...that's because J has been lazy and hasn't gotten around to typing up the next chapter yet, but she will...also, I'm going away for a week on Saturday, so I will be sure to have chapters 13 and 14 up for your viewing pleasure by then...WITH summaries. :) 


	13. The Paperweight of Shininess

Chapter Thirteen: The Paperweight of Shininess  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned it, I wouldn't be writing fanfics about it; I'd be flaunting the fabulous wealth I made from it. But anyway...we own nothing.  
  
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"I wanna look in the shiny paperweight..." Pippin pouted that night as everyone else but Merry slept.  
  
Merry groaned. "Here's my advice: YOU CAN'T HAVE IT SO GO TO SLEEP!" Then he rolled over and started to snore.  
  
"How can I sleep with you breathing like an elephant, you...elephant- breather, you," Pippin said to himself. Then he slowly stood up and crept over to Gandalf and whispered in his ear, "REDRUM..."  
  
Gandalf whined and rolled over, and Pippin could see the Paperweight of Shininess. Of course, Gandalf was clutching it tightly. Pippin reached down and picked up a rock almost the exact same size and shape as the Palantír. After looking from the rock, to Gandalf, to the Palantír, and to the rock again, he hit Gandalf in the head with the rock, grabbed the Palantír, and ran away laughing like a jackal.  
  
"O Magic Palantír," Pippin said, shaking the Palantír, "will I eat mushrooms tomorrow?"  
  
The foggy blue...stuff...inside the Palantír moved back to reveal a little white plastic...thing: DON'T COUNT ON IT.  
  
" 'Don't count on it'?! Stupid Magic Palantír!" Pippin sulked, chucking the Palantír against a tree...and breaking it.  
  
"Oops."  
  
"No...cat gonna get me...must get back to mousehole..." Gandalf pitched around in his sleep and awoke with a start. His eye bulged upon seeing the Palantír in pieces with Pippin standing next to it, trying to look innocent.  
  
"Pippin! What did you see?!"  
  
"Umm...dead people?"  
  
Gandalf jumped up and started pacing back and forth, trampling the heads of random sleeping people. "This is bad, this is very bad, we're all gonna die..."  
  
"No worries!" Pippin said, rushing for his pack and digging around frantically. He pulled out a role of duct tape, grabbed the shattered Palantír, and quickly taped the pieces back together. "Good as new!" he exclaimed, holding up the mess of rock and tape. "This is why we can't have nice things, Peregrin!" Gandalf shouted.  
  
Pippin chucked the Palantír at Gandalf, pouted, crossed his arms, and looked away. Gandalf stepped on Merry's head, and Merry bit Gandalf's foot, and Gandalf tried to smack Merry's head with his staff, but Merry ran away.  
  
"I need to get to a Fed Ex..." Aragorn said suddenly. Pippin looked over and saw Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli standing around. "Since when are you guys awake?" Gandalf asked. "Since you stepped on our heads," Gimli growled (ha! Alliteration!).  
  
"Well, the nearest Fed Ex is at Minas Tirith..." Gandalf said thoughtfully, but just then, Éomer cut in.  
  
We just got one a doz new 'Fed Ex' drop boxes back at da Hall," he said, motioning in the direction he must have thought led to Edoras, but, in actuality, led to Mordor.  
  
"You're coming with me!" Gandalf said, grabbing Pippin. "We're going to Minas Tirith! See you later!" the wizard shouted, waving to everybody.  
  
"Why do *I* have to come with you?!" Pippin demanded as Gandalf tucked said hobbit under his arm like a piece of luggage and started running to his horse.  
  
"Well, I need a traveling friend," Gandalf responded. Someone to sing traveling songs with, roast marshmallows, tell scary stories...I just don't wanna be aloooooooooone!" Gandalf bawled.  
  
Pippin tried desperately to get away, but Gandalf was also much stronger than he looked and held onto him. Then he jumped onto Shadowfax-  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!"  
  
...next time, he'll judge his jumps a little better...and sped painfully off to Minas Tirith.  
  
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Sample of Next Chapter: Don't Mess With the Vase  
  
"Okey dokey!" Frodo said, looking all around. They (Sam and Frodo) were standing somewhere in Emyn Muil on the edge of a tall cliff. "We're stuck up here, but we need to be down there!" Frodo exclaimed. Sam dug through his pack, paying no attention to his idiotic buddy. "So, what've we got in the Bottomless Pack of Samwise?" Frodo asked, trying to see what Sam had.  
  
Yes, Frodo and Sam make their grand appearance and are joined by Gollum a.k.a. Sméagol a.k.a. Martha Stewart. Oh, and as for the title? Just trust us on this one. You'll see. 


	14. Don't Mess With the Vase

Chapter Fourteen: Don't Mess With the Vase  
  
Disclaimer: I own naught. L owns naught. Together, we own...naught. What did you expect?  
  
A/N: AH! J must leave her computer for a week to go to Maryland near the ocean and swim and play in the stupid sun. *sulks and mutters about her parents* Yah, just up my risk of skin cancer, why don't you? But anyway, my point is that I will be away for a week, so relish this chapter. I will tell you when I get back whether I got sunburned or met any cute guys. *grins*  
  
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Book Eye-Vee ('Nurse! Get me a four!')  
  
"Okey dokey!" Frodo said, looking all around. They (Sam and Frodo) were standing somewhere in Emyn Muil on the edge of a tall cliff. "We're stuck up here, but we need to be down there!" Frodo exclaimed. Sam dug through his pack, paying no attention to his idiotic buddy. "So, what've we got in the Bottomless Pack of Samwise?" Frodo asked, trying to see what Sam had.  
  
He ducked as Sam chucked random objects back over his shoulder and over the cliff. "Sam, you just threw the rope over!" Frodo exclaimed. Sam sighed and shook his head. "What, are you trying to make a big enough pile of junk that we should be able to climb down on it?" Frodo asked. Sam raised an eyebrow and turned back to his pack. "I guess I'm wrong." Frodo said, rocking on his heels and whistling.  
  
"AHA!" Sam cried. He pulled hard on something in his pack, and a blue sled popped out. He closed up his pack and jumped on the sled. "Come on, Frodo!" Sam said. "We're going for a sled ride!"  
  
***  
  
Gollum, a.k.a. Martha Stewart, had convinced herself that she was a he, so for legal reasons, we're sticking with her...him...whatever...  
  
Anyway, Gollum was at the bottom of a steep cliff picking some pretty flowers. He arranged them in a little blue vase and sat down to admire his work, when he heard the approaching screams of hobbits. Looking up at the cliff, he saw, with just enough time to save his vase, a blue sled come barreling down the cliff toward him with two hobbits on it.  
  
Of course, though he saved the vase, he couldn't save himself. The sled, including both occupants, hurtled down the cliff, smashing into Gollum, and very suddenly, there were three people on the sled. "Well, how nice of you to join us, Gollum!" Frodo called as the sled flew forward. It hit a rock, and, though the sled stopped in its forward path, its passengers did not.  
  
"Oh, I think this is gonna be a proble-" Frodo started to say, but he was cut off by a large dead tree.  
  
"Mister Fro-" Sam started to say, but he hit the dirt and could only say the many variations of 'OW!' as he bounced along.  
  
"MY PRECI-" Gollum started to say, seeing that his vase had been smashed, but he flew into a marsh instead.  
  
Sam got up and shook his head, then went and rummaged around in his pack and pulled out two boxes of something and brought them over to Frodo, or rather, the lower part of Frodo that was sticking out of the tree cartoony- style.  
  
"Okay, so, do you want the plain ones or the ones with little Elves on them?"  
  
"Elves..."  
  
Sam pulled Frodo out of the dead tree and started to bandage him as Gollum crawled out of the marsh and shook himself off like a dog, then hissed at the two hobbits.  
  
"Nasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssty hobbitssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss-"  
  
"Okay, could you please cool it with the hissing?" Frodo asked, checking his watch.  
  
"Well, really, you don't need to be so terribly rude. I am just terribly unhappy as to how you have upset my poor vase." Gollum started to talk with a bad British accent, and Sam waved a hand for him to stop. "Okay, on second thought, hissing's fine."  
  
"No, I rather enjoy talking in this fashion; it reminds me of fresh-baked scones in a cozy sunlit kitchen on a warm spring day-" Gollum was suddenly cut off as both hobbits pointed their swords at his throat. "No! No! Don't let them kill usss, Preciousss!"  
  
Sam looked at Frodo pleadingly. "PLEASE? Pretty please can I kill him?"  
  
Frodo looked at Gollum and put his sword away. "No, Sam. You can't."  
  
"Oh, you know, I really, really could."  
  
"Gollum," Frodo said, looking at Gollum, "you know these lands pretty well, right?" Gollum nodded numbly, still upset over his lost vase. "How 'bout you help us find a way into Mordor?"  
  
Gollum looked at them suspiciously. "Nasssty hobbitsss break poor Gollum'ssss vasssse, precioussssss, and nowssss they isssss wanting helpssss?! Ha! Gollum laughsssss, precioussssss!  
  
"Oh, you know, I really, really could."  
  
"Gollum," Frodo said, looking at Gollum, "you know these lands pretty well, right?" Gollum nodded numbly, still upset over his lost vase. "How 'bout you help us find a way into Mordor?"  
  
Gollum looked at them suspiciously. "Nasssty hobbitsss break poor Gollum'ssss vasssse, precioussssss, and nowssss they isssss wanting helpssss?! Ha! Gollum laughsssss, precioussssss! Gollum laughsssss and their pain!" He then threw back his head and proceeded to do so.  
  
"Why you lousy little demonic halfbreed-"  
  
"Half a moment, Mr. Frodo, sir!" Sam was rummaging around in his pack again. He drew out a beautiful tea serving set, made with oriental porcelain and hand-decorated by some factory workers in Taiwan. Gollum's eyes grew as big as dinner plates.  
  
"How...in the hell...were you carrying all that?!" Frodo sputtered.  
  
"Details, details, Mr. Frodo!" Sam waved his hand absentmindedly. "Now, Gollum...this is very pretty, yes?"  
  
"Pretty, yessss...would look good by a lace doily tablecloth in a brightly lit parlor, yessss..."  
  
"I know! Wouldn't it?!" Sam agreed enthusiastically, then cleared his throat as he noticed Frodo staring oddly at him. "Anyway, Gollum...it would be a shame if something were to...I dunno...happen to this, wouldn't it?" Sam asked, holding the tea set over a large crevice that had conveniently appeared next to him with a POP! Gollum shrieked.  
  
"Foolish hobbitses, give it heress!" Gollum hissed. "Ugh, say it, don't spray it!" Sam said, pulling out his handkerchief.  
  
"Okay, here's the deal, Gollum," Frodo said as Sam mopped his face, "we'll give you half the tea set now, and the other half when we get to Mordor." Gollum thought about this, then nodded vigorously. His brain suddenly popped out of his ear, and he paused only long enough to reach down, grab it, and shove it back up his nose. He smiled sweetly, and Frodo and same shared a quick, very disgusted look.  
  
Sam handed over a few cups and saucers and a tea caddy-  
  
J: Is that even part of a tea set?  
  
L: How should I know? Do *I* look British to you?  
  
J: How exactly does one 'look British'?  
  
L: ...STOP TALKING!  
  
J: I mean, we don't want to offend any British readers by applying stereotypes, such as that all British people are-  
  
L: *calmly stuffs a gag into J's mouth and shoves her away*  
  
-and a tea caddy, with the understanding that Gollum would get the rest upon their safe delivery into Mordor.  
  
"One question," Sam said. "How is it that we could be safe in Mordor?" Frodo shrugged his shoulders and followed Gollum.  
  
"So where are we headed?" Frodo asked, walking along beside Gollum. The funny demon put on a vest and cap and pulled out an intercom from thin air.  
  
"Welcome to Mordor Motor Trips, this is your guide Sméagol/Gollum speaking. Hope you'll enjoy your ride today. We've got a long way to go, so please, stay inside the cars at all times, no flash photography, and please don't feed the orcs. Thank you!" Gollum said into the intercom. Sam blinked. "Well..."  
  
"I don't see a car..." Frodo scowled, looking around.  
  
"That's one of the magical properties of Mordor!" Gollum said enthusiastically. "Imagination! Now, here, to your left, you can see some lovely fungi, dying from being in such close proximity to the evil that IS Mordor..."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Sample of Next Chapter: The Dead...Mushes?  
  
"Foolish hobbitses, we MUST go through the Mushes!" he bellowed. "You mean the Marshes," Sam corrected. "That's what I said: Mushes!" "You said Mushes. It's Marshes." "Mushes! Yes! That's what I said!" "But it's Marshes."  
  
Gollum growled and clawed at his head and began to twitch and foam at the mouth. "Uh...Gollum?" Frodo chanced.  
  
Gollum screamed and beat his chest and flew at Sam screaming and shrieking. Sam turned and fled. 


	15. The Dead...Mushes?

Chapter Fifteen: The Dead.Mushes?  
  
Disclaimer: Last time I checked, we didn't own Lord of the Rings. *checks again* Nope, still don't.  
  
A/n: *sighs* What a crappy vacation. Due to combinations of circumstances beyond my control, one of which being the weather, I did not get to swim at all. I also did not get tanned OR meet any cute guys. *cries* WHAT A CRAPPY VACATION! So, please cheer me up with a little review? *winces* Yes, I have lowered myself to begging. Just review the damn thing and make me feel better.  
  
Ginsing: The part with Gollum's brain? Couldn't tell ya. L wrote that bit. I, however, found it hysterically funny in a weird way.  
  
Oh, and of course, shameless promotions.GO READ CON QUEST AND LOTR VERSION 7.0 BY ECHO STARLITE! That is L's pen name, and she has written these two very humorous humor stories, which I am now shamelessly promoting. Both stories are very good and carry L's unique writing style. LOTR Version 7.0 is under my favorites, if you need some help finding them. BUT YOU MUST GO READ THESE TWO STORIES, IF NOTHING ELSE! That is all.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Oh, we're marching, marching, marching, marching, marching, marching, marching!" Sam sang as they walked along. "Jeez, all we do is a lot of walking!" Frodo exclaimed. "We should almost be at the Marshes..." Gollum hissed.  
  
"Hey, what's that smell?" Frodo said, nearly gagging. "Ugh! It's not me!" Sam said, sniffing his armpits (Eew...). "It'sssss the Marshes!" Gollum said happily. "Silly hobbitses! We must go through the Marshes to get to Mordor! Silliesss." He ran ahead into the stinking mist and jumped into a puddle and rolled around. Frodo threw up.  
  
"Well, if we have to go..." Sam said nervously. "Please, let's go another way!" Frodo begged. "Frodo, there IS no other way," Sam said. "But..." Frodo begged, pouting and giving Sam puppy-dog eyes. "That's not gonna work, Frodo," Sam said. Frodo sniffed (ugh...). "Frodo..." Sam said irritably. "Sam..." Frodo whined. Sam sighed.  
  
"Gollum, can we go another way?" Sam asked. Gollum stopped, turned, and glared at Sam. "FOLLISH HOBBITSESSSS!" Gollum bellowed. There was a rumble of thunder, and lightning flashed behind Gollum. "Nice effect," Frodo muttered to Sam.  
  
"Foolish hobbitses, we MUST go through the Mushes!" he bellowed. "You mean the Marshes," Sam corrected. "That's what I said: Mushes!" "You said Mushes. It's Marshes." "Mushes! Yes! That's what I said!" "But it's Marshes."  
  
Gollum growled and clawed at his head and began to twitch and foam at the mouth. "Uh...Gollum?" Frodo chanced.  
  
Gollum screamed and beat his chest and flew at Sam screaming and shrieking. Sam turned and fled.  
  
"Hmmm...so the fastest way is THROUGH the Marshes?" Frodo said to himself as Gollum chased Sam around him. "I guess we can't just go around..." Frodo said to himself. Gollum's still chasing Sam... "I've decided something, guys," Frodo said, sticking his foot out in front of Sam, who toppled face- forward into the dirt. Gollum tripped over him and flew into a mud puddle.  
  
"We're going to go through the Marshes," Frodo said, walking forward and stepping gingerly into the disgusting muck. He made an icky face as his foot made squealching (Yes, I am well aware that is not a word) sounds, then, with great effort, he started trudging through. Sam enthusiastically followed, squealching along. Gollum heaved a heavy sigh, then walked down the banks a few feet to cross over the nice wooden plank bridge.  
  
***  
  
After walking an hour, they stopped at a food stand and bought some hotdogs. There were party lights strung up everyplace, but there were no people around. As Sam sat on the edge of the plank walkway, he peeked over into the water. As he munched on his hotdog and swung his feet, he suddenly saw people in the water. One of these people reached up and grabbed his hotdog.  
  
"Mr. Frodo! Gollum!" Sam screamed, jumping up and rushing over to them. "There's something in the water!" Frodo and Gollum immediately spat out their drinks. "No, not THAT water! The Marshes!" Sam said.  
  
The three of them walked to the edge and looked into the water. "My hotdog..." Sam mumbled, his tummy rumbling. "What are people doing in the water like that?" Frodo asked.  
  
"It'sssss only reflectionesssesss. Nothing wrong..." Gollum said. "But my hotdog!" Sam protested. "Not now, Sam," Frodo said. "But they took it!" Sam replied. "Who took what?" Gollum asked. "One of those water people snatched my hotdog!" Sam exclaimed. Frodo looked at him oddly, eyed Sam up and down, and said, "Sam, you think too little."  
  
Sam knocked Frodo into the water. The people disappeared, muttering about stage-diving midgets. Frodo got back out onto the wood planks and glared at Sam. "You deserved it!" Sam said weakly. Frodo lunged at Sam, and they both fell into the water. "DOG PILE!" Gollum screamed, jumping down after them.  
  
***  
  
After they had had a roll in the water, they hauled themselves out again and shook themselves off like wet dogs. Then...they started walking.  
  
Again.  
  
And walking...  
  
And walking...  
  
And WALKING...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Sample of Next Chapter: Welcome to NYC!  
  
"Welcome to NYC!" Gollum finally announced. Frodo scowled. "NYC? We want to go to MORDOR."  
  
"Not quite sure why..." Sam muttered.  
  
Gollum shrugged. "NYC, Mordor, same diff. Anyway, you're here, the Ring's here, and I'm going to go get a scone. Hey, Shelob!" Gollum yelled. A huge, evil-looking spider appeared. 


	16. Welcome to NYC!

Chapter Sixteen: Welcome to NYC!

Disclaimer: Don't own it, get no money, wah, wah, wah, I wished I owned it but I don't and all that crap………

To Hikaness:

*Sauron is running full-speed, trying to escape She, who is trying to catch him*

She: Shiny! SHINY! Come BAAAAAAACK, Shiny!*stops to catch her breath and shakes her fist at Hikaness as Sauron escapes, muttering something about teaching the orcs the 'Glomp' and how they will surely win the War of the Ring with THAT technique* Grrrr! You are CRUEL, Hikaness! Not making me Sauron's love slave! Depriving me of my Dark Lord! Now I can't **[Censored because this is a PG-13 fic]** or **[ I don't think the readers want to know about the hormone-induced fantasies that run around in She's mind…] **or **[Alright, now you're just freaking us all out, She…]** and after that, I can't **[Okay, that is just WEIRD! And I don't even think THAT is possible!]** and NOW we couldn't get any whips and **[That's it! Screw this, I'm getting out of here while I still have some sanity left! *the Censor Bar scurries off to become a stagehand on 'The Pencil Show'*]**…what was I saying? Oh, yeah: You are CRUEL, Hikaness!

*Audience is being violently ill*

She: I STILL wanna be Sauron's love slave!…*disappointed sigh* Oh well. You will just have to do, Rohan man.*Grabs Éomer* Rohirrim goodness! Gotta love the beard! And these CUTE braids! 

Éomer: *looks scared as She starts playing with his braids*

She: ^_^ Mmm………yummy. *Both disappear in a puff of smoke*

She's 'Kiss up to the Reviewers' Time: You are all the best! Let's face it: the only gratification we get from writing is knowing that our readers like it, so those reviews are always wonderful things to get. I ESPECIALLY like it when readers cut and paste their favorite parts, so we know what was funny. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* Even those of you who only read the story and are too cowardly to review it--we love you too! *Blows kisses* 

*readers try to dodge kisses*

Love y'all too. ^_^

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And WALKING…

"Why is this taking so _long_?!" Sam asked, frustrated.

"Foolish hobbitsesssss, we must build suspense!" Gollum scolded.

Frodo tripped and fell over onto his face. He expressed his pain eloquently: "Ow." Sam scurried over and helped him up, but, two minutes later, Frodo fell over again.

"Come _on_, Mr. Frodo! Stand-" Sam pulled Frodo up to his feet, but Frodo immediately fell over again.

"Frodo!" Sam yelled, finally realizing that Frodo was asleep. "Wake-"

"Zzzz…no, mommy…I don't want to go to school…I want to stay home and bake cookies with yooooooooou…" Frodo drew his knees up to his chest and sucked his thumb. Sam sighed and turned to Gollum, but Gollum was asleep as well.

"Good God…I'm surrounded by narcoleptics…" Sam put his head in his hands as the full realization of the futility of the quest finally dawned on him. Or maybe it was just a rock. At any rate, he also dropped to the ground and fell asleep.

***

They checked into a Ritz Carlton for the night, but, after being unable to pay for the air, they were tossed out on their rears. But STILL…they kept walking.

…AND WALKING…

…I wonder if their feet hurt. I mean, they don't wear shoes, do they?…

…Oh! Now they're running!…

…Now walking again…

"Welcome to NYC!" Gollum finally announced. Frodo scowled. "NYC? We want to go to MORDOR."

"Not quite sure why…" Sam muttered.

Gollum shrugged. "NYC, Mordor, same diff. Anyway, you're here, the Ring's here, and I'm going to go get a scone. Hey, Shelob!" Gollum yelled. A huge evil-looking spider appeared.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Frodo screamed. Sam rolled his eyes. "What's with him?" Gollum asked. "Arachnophobia," Sam explained.

Shelob was wearing a sort of seating arrangement (you know, the kind you see elephants in the circus wearing) on her back. She knelt down so Sam could climb up. Gollum tossed Frodo into the seat behind Sam and Shelob started off.

"Welcome to Mordor, home of Sauron, and Mount Doom! I will be your guide for today, Shelob!" the spider said happily. "Please, do not feed the orcs, as they may bite your hands off!" Frodo closed his eyes and rocked back and forth, singing 'I'm a little teapot'.

"Could you stop that, Frodo?" Sam asked. Frodo was doing the hand motions that went along with the song, and so was repeatedly smacking Sam in the back.

Frodo suddenly hugged Sam around the waist. "Don't let them get me!" he screamed. "Frodo, what are you TALKING about?!" Sam shouted, trying to get Frodo to stop squeezing him. "I CAN'T BREATHE, YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE CRUSHING MY RIBS!" he yelled at Frodo.

Suddenly, Faramir appeared with a bunch of guys. "Hey, you aren't supposed to be here!" Sam yelled. Frodo had stopped crushing him. "Really?" Faramir asked. "Well, I'm trying to find my bro."

"He's dead," Frodo said.

 "Oh, thanks," Faramir said. "And have you seen a Ring anywhere?"

"Yeah, we're bringing it to Mount Doom right now," Frodo responded.

"Okay, see ya!" Faramir said, and he and his guys were about to disappear when Sam yelled, "Hey, go visit Aragorn!"

"Okay!" Faramir called, and the guys disappeared with a 'pop!'.

"We're off to see the wizard…" Sam sang. "The wonderful wizard of-"

"Don't say Oz."

"Why?"

"Because we have too many people mad at us already!"

"Like who?"

"Martha Stewart, Steve Irwin, MAD Magazine. Invader Zim, Star Wars, Richard Simmons, the Tolkien community, and now, Gundam Wing, and also-"

"Okay, okay…then what do I sing in that spot?"

"Well, don't sing at all, or just…just shut up, Sam."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sample of Next Chapter: Bungee Jumping!

(No, the chapter's name has nothing to do with the chapter -_-;;)

Finally, Shelob died from exposure and Frodo got free. Sam dragged Frodo out into the open and fired off a signal flare.

"What are you doing?!" Frodo screamed at Sam.

"I'm taking the Ring and leaving you for dead so that I can save you later," Sam said, taking the Ring from Frodo.

"Why not just save me now and save yourself some time?!" Frodo cried frantically.


	17. Bungee Jumping!

Chapter Seventeen: Bungee Jumping!

Disclaimer: We own nothing that has to do with LotR and we're making no money off this little project. But I suppose you all know that by now.

Ginsing: YES! YES IT IS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! HE CANNOT RESIST THE TEMPTATION OF DOOM! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

A/N: WAH! Last chapter of 'Welcome to NYC!'! The next one is called 'Grandiloquently Superfluous and Multiple Other Redundancies', or 'GSAMOR' for short.

All: O_O???!!!!!!

J: *sweatdrop* L named it. Anyway, it'll probably be out in a week or so. Maybe more, maybe less. I REALLY need to finish my summer reading; I just managed to escape the Responsibility Demons to write this EXTRA-EXTRA-SUPER-LONG FINALE CHAPTER! Which is EXTRA-EXTRA-SUPER-LONG! Because it is the FINALE CHAPTER! Redundancies for ALL!

*Suddenly, Thed bursts into the room with twenty heavily-armed Responsibility Demons dressed up as commandos*  
Thed: There she is! GET HER, BOYS!

J: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, AGENT THEDDIKINS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! *throws a vial of something on the floor and disappears in a puff of smoke* BWAHAHAHAHAAA! CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, THEDDIKINS!

Thed: *snarls* Find her. *notices the camera is still rolling* Get that damn camera out of here! *pushes it over*

*Snap**fizzle**static*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So anyway…

So Shelob played taxi tour guide, and dropped them off near Cirith Ungol.

"That'll be $14.50," Shelob said, filing her fangs. Frodo paid her, and the hobbits started walking up the stairs.

"Hey, guys!" Gollum called. He was leaning against a wall, easting a scone and smoking a cigarette. 

"So that's how Gollum's skin got all dry," Sam said. 

"No, actually, I had a bad run-in with a hair dryer," Gollum said, stuffing the last of the scone down his throat. "But the cigarettes do hurt my skin a bit, don't they?"

"You _could_ stand to brush your teeth…" Frodo mumbled. Gollum threw the cigarette butt at him, and landed on his foot and set his curly little hobbit foot-hair on fire.

"AAAAAAAAAAH!" Frodo ran around screaming, trying to put his foot out. Gollum and Sam watched, amused, for a moment, then Sam decided Frodo had had enough, pulled a Super-Soaker out of his pack, and hosed Frodo down.

"Tbbth. Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

"Climb! Climb!" Gollum ordered, pushing them up the stairs.

"AH! Watch it, Mister Grabby-Hands!"

"Okay! Okay! I'm going! I'm going!"

They climbed up the stairs for a very, very long time, with Gollum pushing them every so often…often missing the smalls of their backs.

"EEK! Okay, if you push me there ONE MORE TIME, I am going to take my foot and shove it up your-"

"Here!" Gollum pushed them into a large cave. "Go through here!"

"Why?"

"Just go!" Then Gollum turned and ran away, cackling hysterically. Sam and Frodo just shrugged and started walking through the cave.

And, very rapidly, it got dark.

"OW! Get offa me!"

"Watch it! I just burned my foot there!"

"Hey, remember that present the Crazy lady gave you?"

"Yeah. So?"

"Get it out, stupid!"

"Oh! Yeah, okay. I can do that." Frodo pulled out his bright orange flashlight and shined (shone? Shined? Evil verb tense…) it around the cave, and both of them stepped back in horror. Every inch of the wall was covered with pictures of Frodo, posters of Frodo, newspaper articles about Frodo…the largest collection of Frodo crap they had ever seen.

~~~~~~~~~Interruption (We haven't seen one of these for a while, So it's an EXTRA-LONG ONE!!)~~~~~

L: Hey, *I* have the largest collection of Frodo crap!  
J: Do not.

L: Do too!

J: Do not!

L: Do TOO!

J: Do NOT!  
L: TOO!

J: NOT!

L: TOO!

J: NOT!

L: TOO!  
J: NOT!

L: TOO!

All: **_SHUT UP!_**

*L and J blink and meekly back away*

OB: *rubbing his temples* We have…HOW many more books with you psychos?

L and J: One.

All: *monotone* Yay.

L: *shoots them the Viper Glare* Sit down and shut up.

VM: Has ANYONE been able to find the door yet?  
DM, BB, SA, JR-D: We're LOOKING…

EW: Look! There it is! 

*The door has materialized on the wall. All the cast runs towards it, but it suddenly disappears again and they pile up against the wall*

L: Oops! Not quick enough!

L and J: *cackle insanely*

*The door suddenly opens and Hayden Christiansen, Ewan McGregor, and Liam Neeson walk in*

HC: So I was saying…

EML Umm…that's great, Hayden. *rolls eyes*

LN: Guys, where are we?

All: DON'T CLOSE THE-

*Door slams shut*  
All: …Door.

EM: Should I *not* have done that?

OB: Yes, you fool! Now we're trapped here!

VM: Stupid Star Wars jerks!

HC: Dumb LotR bastards!

LN: I'm going to strangle you…

*SW guys see L and J sitting on their stools with evil intent in their eyes*

LN, HC, EW: *point at L and J* Who are THEY?

L: We're the hostesses. The wonderful, creative, gorgeous, witty, innocent, amazingly talented hostesses.

All but SW guys and L and J: *ROTFL*

J: Do you want me to get the Pointy Stick of Doom?!

All: *fall silent*  
J: *cuddles PSOD*

JR-D: Hostesses my bearded little backside!

L and J: *holding hands over ears* BAD MENTAL IMAGE!

SIM: *to SW guys* They're the authors! The evil sadistic, malicious authors! Run while you still can!

HC: Beam me up, Scotty!

LN: Uh…Hayden? Wrong show.

HC: DON'T CARE! *SW guys disappear*

L: My JEDI! *turns at glares at LotR actors with fire in her eyes* You have deprived me of my Jedi. You must die.

J: *throws L PSOD* Here ya go!

L: *smiles and lunges at the cast*

*The camera pans back to J, who is watching the off-screen fight and eating popcorn*

J: Eh heh…owie! That had to hurt. Hey, L, make sure you don't break it on their skulls, 'kay? Sauron doesn't know I'm borrowing it yet.

L: *from off-screen, where slashy, whappy, gory sounds are coming from* You got it! *more hurty sounds*

J: Yummy…poppy-corn! *chows down* 

Gir: THE PIGGIES RETURN! BACKIES!

J: Good conclusion. Here ya go! *throws him the empty bag*  
Gir: YUM! *eats bag*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What…what IS this?!" Frodo said, edging away from a shelf filled with thousands of pictures and action figures of himself. "I'm scared!"

"Well, of course you are," Sam said, shuffling through some particularly disturbing pictures the cave's resident had acquired of Frodo in *ahem* most of his hobbit glory. Frodo gasped and snatched the pictures back.

"I sent these to my girlfriend!" Frodo exclaimed, aghast. Sam looked hurt. "You…you have a *girlfriend*, Mr. Frodo?"

"An online girlfriend," Frodo explained as he started ripping down the 'more unflattering' pictures of himself tat decorated the walls. "We've been chatting for a year. Her. name's Shelly."  
"That's *MY* name!" a voice from deep in the cave called. Frodo and Sam slowly turned to look into the darkness.

"…Didn't your mother ever warn you about some of the weirdos you can meet online, Mr. Frodo?…"

"FroFro, baby? Is that you?" Sam turned and looked at Frodo. " 'Fro…Fro'?…" he asked slowly. Frodo blushed.

"S…Shelly? Is that you? I didn't know you lived in a cave in the middle of NYC-I mean, Mordor…"

"Well, there's a lot of things you don't know about me, FroFro…" 'Shelly' said, stepping out of the shadows. Sam and Frodo screamed and Frodo nearly passed out.

L: NOOOO!  
Frodo and Sam and Shelob all looked around, horrified. "Who said that?!" Sam shouted.  
L: I WILL NOT ALLOW EVIL SPIDER LADY TO…**_DO_**…ANYTHING WITH **_MY_** **_FRODO_**!

J: How are you doing that?

L: Just press the 'Talk' button on the intercom.

J: Oh…

*L smacks Shelob with the Flyswatter of Pure Evil, then hands it back to J*

L: Thanks.  
J: Don't mention it…

So, the angry, nearly dead Shelob lashed out in her angriness and bit Frodo on the leg.

"EEE! I've always wanted to do that!" Shelob squealed in fangirl-ish delight.

Sam grabbed his sword and beat Shelob over the head, screaming, "Bad evil spider whore!"

Finally, Shelob died from exposure and Frodo was freed. Sam dragged Frodo out into the open and fired off a signal flare.

"What are you doing?!" Frodo screamed at Sam.

"I'm taking the Ring and leaving you for dead so I can save you later," Sam said, taking the Ring from Frodo.

"Why not just save me now and save yourself the time?!" Frodo cried frantically.

"Uh oh, orcs coming! Be quiet!" Sam said, and kicked Frodo in the head. Frodo went unconscious and little birdies and stars swirled around his head.

"Ooo…pretty!" Sam said, fishing through Frodo's pockets and finding the flashlight. After thoroughly searching Frodo's stuff and taking anything he could possibly use and stuffing it into his pack-with-no-bottom, Sam walked off, leaving Frodo's behind him and whistling while he walked.

"Hey you!" an orc yelled as a huge group of orcs ran up. "You seen a little guy, 'bout your height, has a magic ring?" it asked.

"Yeah, he's back that was," Sam said, pointing towards Frodo's body. 

"Okay, thanks!" the orc said, and the whole troop ran off singing the orc song.

Sam scurried up the hill, ignoring the slashy, whappy, gory sounds, complete with Frodo's blood-curdling screams, that were coming from behind him. Then he remembered something that caused him to turn and jump into a pricker bush.

"My tea towel!" he groaned as the orcs ran past, carrying Frodo, who was hog-tied and had an apple in his mouth. "Aw, man…I still need that! Damn it…now I really DO have to save him!"

"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off the Sauron we go! He'll kill this hobbit, no one can stop it, hi-ho!…" The orcs were singing a different song now as they approached the Great Garage Door with Frodo.

"Okay, now who has the opener?"

The orcs stood in silence for a moment.

"Umm…Gabkrish, you're meant to have it."

"Now way, Lurtz! YOU had it last!"

"Well then, Shangrat? Did you have it?"

"No, but I saw Lugran with it."

"YOU LIE!"

"Oh, shut up!" Lurtz yelled, walking over to the keypad on the side. "We'll open it this way. What's the combination number?"

"6-6-7-6-6."

Nothing.

"Try 4-3-4-6-8."

Nothing.

"Try 7-8-8-7-3."

Nothing…

~*Eight Hours Later*~

"1-2-3-4-5?"

STILL NOTHING…

"3-6-6-5-7."

FINALLY, the Great Garage Door opened and all the orcs scurried in. Sam, who had fallen asleep in the bushes…kept right on sleeping.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

J: Aw, how sad!

L: We've finished Book Eye-Vee AND TTT!

Cast: WOO-HOO!

L: But, luckily, we still have ROTK to do!

Cast: *put guns to their heads*  
J: Oh, quit being so melodramatic. We KNOW you love us.

Cast: YOU LIE!

L: ^_^ We love you guys too!

EW and VM: Yeah…we know…

OB: Ummm…dare I ask a question?

J: Of course. You may speak, pathetic underling.

OB: Can I please use the bathroom?  
L: Well…

J: DON'T LISTEN TO HIM! He's just trying to escape!

OB: DAMN!

DM: I'm hungry.

L: FINE! *two doorways appear*

BB: Okay, what are those?

R: A bathroom and a kitchen!  
Cast: You're still here?

R: YES! The mysterious disembodied voice has quit, so I will take his place.  
E: Unless you'd rather I did it!

All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

E: Fine.

*Suddenly, a box of toothpicks appears. L grabs them*

J: What are those?

L: They're my Magical Pixy-pics! I sent in my 50¢ and cereal box tops, and here they are!

OB: What do those do?

L: I'll show you! *stabs OB with a Pixy-pics. OB starts dancing uncontrollably*

L: I WILL STAB YOU ALL!

Gir: That looks like fun! *starts dancing*

**_NO MORE! NO MORE! WE'RE OFF TO RETURN THE KING!_**

~see ya in an undisclosed amount of time!~


End file.
